PHOENIX, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?

PHOENIX, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?

Nope.

"...Due to scheduling conflicts, the 3-day music festival scheduled for May 11-13th in Queen Creek, AZ has been cancelled..."

This is the statement released by KSLX-FM ("Phoenix' Classic Rock...Non Stop!") on their official website. The above is followed by this impossibly chipper announcement:

"...Keep it tuned to KSLX and we'll let you know when we reschedule our 15th anniversary show!"

The KSLX Rock Fest was to feature three days of rocking, courtesy of REO, BTO, Kansas, Grand Funk Railroad, Poco, "and many more." It was cancelled after only 400 or so tickets were sold for the event. Despite the ambiguous "scheduling conflicts" cited by the station's website, this sad fact was acknowledged by the KSLX-FM's own marketing manager, who was quoted in Monday's Chicago Sun-Times. She literally could not believe that only 400 people in the tri-county area would want to receive a weekend-long Classic Rock ass-kicking the likes of which hadn't been seen since Ram Jam blew into town back in '86. But them's the breaks. Even REO Speedwagon couldn't believe it. On their official website, they send a shoutout to all their Arizona fans (the sum of which, evidently, is between 1 and 400), lamenting the cancellation but promising a speedy return to the region. I know it hurts to say goodbye...

What does Rock Fest's failure say about the future of what I like to call The Classic Rock Road Show? This is the annual Summertime circuit of oldies shows that feature AOR dinosuars still touring behind their hits of yesteryear. For example, Three Dog Night will be performing at Chicago's Hawthorne Race Course this Saturday evening. Of course, they're billed third behind a horse race and a classic car show. And somewhere, Danny Hutton silently cries in a dark room. Because that's the thing about these nostalgia tours that swing through your local Rib Fest each year. No matter how many gold records these cats scored back in their heyday, they're still left to compete for ticket sales with the 3pm appearance by Pikachu and Jifflypuff. Now how Rock and Roll is that?

I'm a fan of nostalgia. Chicago is famous for its cover and tribute bands, and there's a few that do a decent job with their chosen subjects' most famous tunes. Some beer-sloshing jokesters called Something For Joey do power-trio versions of 70s AM hits like The Looking Glass' "Brandy" and Pure Prairie League's "Amie." Point of fact: The real Pure Prairie League was slated to perform at KSLX-FM's Rock Fest. Even if they had performed, I'll bet that Something For Joey does a better version of the song that made the real band famous. Because who wants to watch a geriatric version of anything? Alright, the Stones are still out on the road. But Mick still fucks a model, and you can bet that Keith hasn't hung up the drugs. Say what you want about sex, drugs, and Rock and Roll, but that trio of demons keeps The Rolling Stones young. Look what happened to Aerosmith. They got clean, and all of a sudden it's a good idea to record ballads that The Backstreet Boys rejected. Nostalgia is fine. But sometimes all we want is the song, and how it makes us feel. When that same Chicago nostalgia act rips into REO's "Time For Me To Fly," you can almost feel the crush of General Admission humanity around you at the old Chicago Stadium; almost see the 3-quarter sleeve tour shirts and Farrah Fawcett haircuts. But I don't really want to be there. I just want to hear the riff, man. And I don't need the fossils in REO to play it for me.

Evidently, neither did any more than 400 souls in Phoenix. KSLX-FM's 15th Anniversary Rock Show was over before any aging AOR Rock hero could even plug in his Telecaster or hack up a lung. But the Classic Rock Road Show rolls on, and somewhere, Creedence Clearwater...Revisited is trying to out-rock the Shady Acres Accordian Consortium down on the North Stage.

I'm going to go get an Elephant Ear. You want one?

JTL