We Swoon for Zune

Actually, we don’t swoon for Zune. At least not yet. At least not exactly. You see, we are waiting to hear from Redmond. Waiting for that nice package. The FedEx guy has yet to arrive here at the GloNo office. But we’re sure that he will. With the Zune. That’s right, with Microsoft’s “experience.” This is not just a digital music player. This is an experience. Sure, it comes in three colors. Black, brown and white. We’re not picky. We’ll take any or all. And yes, there is a three-inch screen that will allow us to truly customize the experience that we have with the Zune. When it comes.

Actually, we’re sort of hoping that they send one of each color because that will allow us to, as our friends at Microsoft explain, “spontaneously share full-length sample tracks of select songs, homemade recordings, playlists, or pictures with friends.” We’re friends. We should share. We’re a bit mystified about the adjective “select” in front of songs. Sort of sounds like there are just certain songs that can be shared, doesn’t it? Otherwise, wouldn’t it be that we at Team GloNo would share with one another, and then with our friends, and they with them, and before you know it, Kevin Bacon would have all of the songs on his Zune, which would probably overwhelm the 30 GB capacity. Of course, given that you can only listen to any given tune for three times during a three day period, Kevin’s probably OK and would be able to share his latest homemade recording with Michael. Yeah.

According to J Allard, vice president, design and development, Microsoft, “The digital music entertainment revolution is just beginning.” That’s right. You see, some people are going to think that the “digital music entertainment revolution” began in October, 2001, when the iPod was introduced. Those people would be wrong. The iPod is not part of the “Connected Entertainment” vision, the Microsoft vision, the vision of those people who are going to be sending us our very own Zunes. Never mind the 60 million or so iPods that have been sold since the introduction. Never mind all of those songs that have been downloaded. They aren’t Zunes. What’s more, when you buy an iPod, it’s empty. That’s right. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. That is not the revolution. The revolution is that “every Zune device is preloaded with content”—love that word content, it’s so, well, digital revolution—“from record labels such as DTS, EMI Music’s Astralwerks Records and Virgin Records, Ninja Tune, Playlouderrecordings, Quango Music Group, Sub Pop Records, and V2/Artemis Records.” That, my friends, is revolution. That, my friends, is Zune.

And when we get our Zunes, we’ll be sharing select songs from those record labels. For sure. What’s more, when we get that package from Redmond, we’ll be getting all of the stuff that’s a part of the Zune Travel Pack: Zune Premium Earphones (not those shitty little white bud things that the Granny Smith brand offers), Zune Dual Connect Remote (we don’t know what it does, but we’re sure it rocks), Zune Gear Bag (natch), Zune Sync Cable (maybe they ought to change it to Zune Zync Cable), and Zune AC Adapter (sometimes when you’re on the revolutionary road ya just gotta recharge).

Remember: this is not a product. Zune is an experience. And we’re confident it is a fabulous experience. One we can’t wait to, well, experience.

Now, you may be wondering why we’re so convinced that we’re going to be getting a box from Redmond. It’s simple. In order to launch Zune, a “handful” of bloggers were flown to Seattle, then hooked up with all of the relevant Zune people for a Zune experience. Some commenters who were not invited take grave exception to this. They imagine that a trip to Seattle is going to turn the heads of some of those bloggers. They think that being wined and dined is going to put them in thrall to Microsoft. They think that the bloggers are not going to give an evenhanded assessment of the Zune Experience. Ha! In our view, these whiners are simply jealous. They wish they could have the Zune Experience and attack those who have been so favored.

We at GloNo, of course, would never be so cheaply purchased. Our integrity would go unbesmirched by trips, meals, sex partners, large quantities of unmarked randomly numbered currency, major home appliances, Zunes. . . .

Oh, we know the revolution is just beginning. We know that Zune is all that it could be and then some. We know that all Microsoft products are the best. We know that at any minute the FedEx guy is going to be at the door. . . .